Progress Over Perfection

Angie's Story - Part Two

I have always been a perfectionist of sorts and as a result very hard on myself when I
don’t get to the standard that I hold for myself. I am a master at comparing myself to
others and get very, very down when I can’t seem to reach the level, that I see that
certain others are at.

I realized recently that the reason I do this is summed up in one hyphenated word: self-
esteem. To be more specific, low self-esteem. Where does this stem from? Like most
people, my childhood.

I was never physically abused but I was mentally and emotionally, and it went on for
decades. The only one in my life that cared and truly loved me at that time was my mom.

It was my dad, brothers, and sister who were relentless in their pursuit of making me
feel as small and worthless as possible. Even though I have cut ties with most of them,
every time something happens to me or I do something incorrectly, I hear them in my
head – picking away at me, bit by bit, like vultures. It is a hard cycle to break but I am
working on it.

I don’t want to sound like I am making excuses and blaming my family for everything
that has happened to me. That is not my intention. I know that they are not actually to
blame, that it is my perception of what is happening; and that I automatically fall into that rut so to speak and have to pull myself out again when I gain perspective.

Gaining that perspective took a long, long time to develop and some days it is still a
challenge. But there is one habit that I have developed that is my saving grace and that is
exercise, running to be more specific. It doesn’t even have to be running. Meditation,
yoga, pilates, or just walking in nature have helped me get through those low, low days
and pulled me up. The one that is a surefire way is indeed running though. When I put
on my running clothes and shoes and head out the door, there is a sense of freedom
that envelops me. It is hard to explain unless you have experienced yourself, but the
social term for this is referred to as ‘Runners High”. I don’t get it every time, but enough
to crave more and more and know the effectiveness of just the act of running and
moving my body.

I am always searching for my why? And I have realized that my why always changes.
When I first started running, it was to escape the household I was living in. As I got
older, it was to prove something to others and more importantly to myself. When I
became a mother, it was for my son. Now, I have noticed that it is shifting again, and I
am searching for it again.

When I was let go of my job and noticed the things that happened and were happening
at that time, I lost my why all together. I lost my joy. I lost my motivation. I lost my
purpose.

As the year after went by, I started to see the shining glimpse of my why again. My
motivation and joy also started coming back. And, I have felt more calm and worthy
again – something I haven’t felt in a long time.

I have done, and still do, a lot of soul searching. I have over this past year made time to
get out by myself several times, to my happy place (the mountains) and just be there.
Just allow myself to be me with no judgement, so self-deprecation. I highly recommend
if you are struggling to get to your happy place and just be there too.
I have never had a problem being alone. I am a natural introvert and prefer being by
myself. When I had my son, he became an extension of me and we went to our happy
place together and took in as much of nature’s beauty as possible. I noticed that as he
is getting older, I am craving that time to myself more. It is hard sometimes but for both
of us, it is necessary. He does, however, love to come with me and spend as much time
with me as he can, that is something I will never, ever say no to. I cherish every second.
Running has always been my me time but learned that I needed to leave it and do other
things to find it again and find my joy in it again.

Where I am struggling now, and never really did before, was getting older. Not the act of
getting older, but the realization of the many, many things that I feel I have missed out
on and will never get the chance again. My soul-searching excursions have put me in
the place that I am starting to see all the greatness and blessings in the life that I have
lead and helping me see that I have a future as well – even as a runner.

I am getting slower as I age, and those nagging injuries are starting to creep up more
frequently and that is my struggle now. I know it is natural, but I am refusing to let it
prevent me from moving forward. I am learning to slow down a bit in my activities and
ask for help when I feel something isn’t quite right. I still get up at 4:30am every morning
and still start my day with a large glass of water and move my body. I don’t, however,
jump from my bed outside anymore. It is a gentler rise. I start by meditation. This is a
game changer! Start my day with good intent and putting what happened in the past
away. Then, on days that I run – which is cut to 4-5 days a week instead of 7, I do some
mobility exercises that have become another game changer for me. I used to do a quick
warm up and then out the door and sometimes stretch if I had the time after. Now,
completely different. I still don’t eat before my morning runs and that is something that I
tried but really doesn’t work for me, and that is fine. The only time is race days. After my
mobility, I eat and hydrate more, but not on my regular morning runs. After, I stretch
every time regardless of how much time I have or good I may feel. Then I eat a healthy
breakfast ( I love breakfast) and go on with my day. Two days a week, instead of run,
my son and I go to the gym. Always early – before school and work. I have always lifted
weights but for some reason, stopped doing it consistently until last year and it has
made such a difference in my strength, performance, and shed off those menopausal pounds as well. And it is another chance for my son and I to spend time together. One
of the best things that I have started again was going back to yoga. Every Wednesday
morning (6am-7am) I go to hot yoga. Sometimes it is flow, yin, or pilates/yoga fusion,
but it is becoming one of best days of the week.

I know that I can’t stay still, however, I have learned that there are other good things to
do other than just running and as a bonus, it is helping me become a better runner
again and helping me see that I can continue to run through my 50s into my 60s, 70s,
and beyond.

This shift that I have been experiencing is showing me that I have come from so much
and endured and I can continue as I get older. One of the biggest things that I am
working on now is a better work-life balance. So, I can live and live the life that I want.
This is challenge I am facing now. Next time, I will hopefully be in a better place with
that. I hope to have you continue with me on this journey.

Up Next: Work-Life Balance as 2025 projections. See you then!

- Angie Villeneuve